I love the Onion

With a 26 game losing streak, you’re gonna be the target of just about everyone. And when you’re about to set the losing streak record for North American sports (we’re coming for ya, Tampa Bay Bucs!) you aren’t really in position to take offense.

That being said, the Onion does a marvelous job with this piece.

Kids in ‘Scared-Straight’ Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice:

Whitney said that early on, some critics questioned whether the shock tactics were truly effective. Visiting teens often cried when the reality of their situation struck them, sometimes from the moment they were instructed to put on their mandatory Cleveland Cavaliers T-shirts. Many were nearly struck by the endless barrage of mishandled basketballs, and there were questions as to whether attending the Cavaliers practices put the youths at even greater risk than they had been before. But the vast majority of participants displayed improved behavior after seeing the fundamentally unsound losing path their lives could take them down.

“And in those rare cases where seeing a practice doesn’t work, we take them to an actual Cavaliers game,” said Whitney, explaining that it is a last resort used only with teens who are hardest to reach. “By the end of the first quarter, even the toughest kids are begging to leave and promising they’ll never get into trouble again.”

During Wednesday’s practice, several players interacted with the teenagers, intimidating them with the bald truth of pitiful statistics and telling them horror stories about the team’s dreadful season, including the time the Cavaliers were embarrassed on their home court by the Miami Heat.

“You want to end up like me?” said forward J.J. Hickson, screaming at the teens. “Broken down, hopeless, and barely able to complete a bounce pass without turning it over? Then you just keep living your life they way you have been. Look at this. This is you in 10 years.”

“What are you laughing at?” added Hickson, staring directly at a snickering 14-year-old. “You think getting blown out by the fucking Toronto Raptors is funny? That’s what I thought once. But this is some serious shit right here. I wish this life on no man.”

Heh. I was at that Raptors game. It was brutal.

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